vincent gaspare abruzzo

curriculum vitae, latin for "course of life"

2019, unspeakable failures

I have not fully processed these failures. when I eventually do, there will be something to be learned. there always is. we do not talk about our failures enough; we're too preoccupied with putting them out of sight. we often act as though the world expects us to exhibit success and success alone. the media imposes this expectation on us, advertisers sell this expectation to us, and we expect this of each other, sometimes knowingly, ofttimes not.

be vulnerable. introspect. learn. grow.

2017 - 2018, failed engagement

I tried. I really tried. but I made the same mistakes.

I was selfish. I was pulled away by a hypomanic state. I hurt someone more deeply than I thought I was capable of. it wouldn't be the last time (see above).

how do we forgive ourselves when we make the same fucking mistakes, and commit the same fucking sins, and hurt people in the same fucking ways? people that we claim to love. people that we devote our lives to.

I only know what has just barely begun to work for myself: we accept the necessity of a radical departure. we commit to yet another metaphysical suicide. the hidden beauty of this world, of your world, resides in the fact that we are nothing and because of this each of our lived moments is a blank canvas. we choose to no longer be the kind of person that would do these things to anyone else. this is an invitation to create sent to us by god herself.

/and she lets us call her we.

2005 - 2016, failed academic career

I spent over a decade pursuing something that I suspect subconsciously I knew I would never achieve. I lost a marriage because of this (see below).

ironically, my research focus was the philosophy of psychology, and in particular, self-knowledge and introspection. I lacked the former and I was unable to perform the latter. perhaps I had just enough self-knowledge to know that I needed to learn about it. unfortunately, I was looking in the wrong place. or I was looking at the wrong things. there was a presupposition somewhere that self-knowledge was ultimately derived from beliefs we have about our selves.

self-knowledge is an affective achievement. you can't get closer to your goal if you're going in the wrong direction.

2007 - 2015, failed marriage

I left, emotionally. I was absent in her presence.

during these years, when I was supposed to be emotionally available to my partner, I stopped being emotionally available to myself. I was depressed. I was experiencing immense shame and guilt for professional failures (see above) and for having had my partner follow my own dream. but I didn't recognize these mental states as such. they manifested themselves as anger. this is one symptom of what we might call toxic masculinity. sadness is a weakness. fuck that.

the person I was back then no longer exists. therapy has led to a sort of metaphysical suicide. I destroyed a past self and created a new one. eventually, I forgave myself. this is always an option.

/recur